More often than not these days I find myself Googling every question on my mind. This can be anything from health symptoms, to working out how tall I'd be if I was wearing 6 inch heels, to tomato soup recipes and sneaker raffles I'll never win.
So it’s your usual Tuesday evening, and I’m uncomfortably close to the mirror analysing every pore on my face, plucking my eyebrows and wondering why my blackheads won’t just leave me alone. A brief thought reminds me of a time my flatmate's old boyfriend told him his pores could eat the world and I wonder, in panic, if mine could too. This intense, and unnecessary, magnification of my own face is making me realise I also have several growing spots taking pride of place on my chin.
This means, and I’m sure for all women it’s the same, my period is imminent, overdue in fact, and I’m soon to bloat, cry when I can't find a specific soup bowl, crave obscure snacks and listen to a scary amount of dramatic, emotional music. However, it’s not that straightforward for me.
Five years ago I went almost a year without a period. I put this down to the stress of moving to uni, a breakup, and being in a very negative space mentally. Periods are tricky little buggers and even when I was younger a usual cycle for me could be thrown off by exam worries and study pressures. A trip to the GP informed me that the actual reason I hadn’t experienced a menstrual cycle for nine months (don’t worry I did take a pregnancy test in the loos of my university’s art block, it was negative) was down to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short. I did a few ultrasounds, submitted my blood for science, had both internal and external scans of my own reproductive system from various hospital rooms and yet, I’m still not sure what it all means.
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common condition that affects how a woman's ovaries work.
The 3 main features of PCOS are:
1. Irregular periods – which means your ovaries do not regularly release eggs (ovulation)
2. Excess androgen – high levels of "male" hormones in your body, which may cause physical signs such as excess facial or body hair
3. Polycystic ovaries – your ovaries become enlarged and contain many fluid-filled sacs (follicles) that surround the eggs (but despite the name, you do not actually have cysts if you have PCOS)
Consequently, out of sheer panic and boredom, about 5 or 6 times a month I’ll do an intense dive about PCOS online, opening thousands upon thousands of tabs, cramming my browser with stories, diagrams, diet lists and advice only to then shut down my phone and forget it all. If I'm hand on heart honest, none of it helps, it makes me feel worse, yet I perservere in a desperate attempt to find a story that resonates with mine. After I was diagnosed with PCOS I cried. At twenty, I'd not really given the idea of having kids much thought, yet I still felt like I'd fundamentally and biologically failed as a woman. Every time I went for a scan I would always ask 'will I be able to have children?' of which the nurse would respond, 'I don't see any reason why not'.
If you Google it, like I have 14,000 times, there are tonnes of women sharing their stories, from Emma Thompson to Victoria Beckham. I even vividly remember my doctor telling me about how her friend at school who was diagnosed with it. This girl had it so bad that the doctors basically said that it was all a no go (I’m motioning to my lower stomach when I talk about this). As a result, she just never bothered using protection because she thought, you know. Turns out, the doctors were wrong and now she has three kids.
A real mind game.
I don't really have a solution for this but I just wanted to share my story in case it helps. I'll continue to utilise Google for answers but a lot of time I end up reading the same thing over and over again. I have a pretty rigid skincare routine to help my face 99% of the time, I exercise now (long walks since the gyms shut) and recently decided to cut all sugary drinks from my diet. I also stopped gorging myself on Deliveroo or UberEats and have noticed a real improvement in my overall mood, clarity of mind and all things bank concerned.
What I will say is, I don't often read this: on occasion I feel really embarrassed about having PCOS and I'm a little jealous of my friends who regularly menstruatue. What if I marry a guy and I can't have kids? What if I have miscarriages (something a lot of women who suffer from PCOS talk about). What if. What if. What if. Though lying in bed at 3am and worrying about this sounds pedantic or dramatic, it does cross my mind from time to time. In saying that though, as a woman, there are so many more attributes I possess beyond my ability to reproduce and I'm not going to let PCOS define what I can and can't do, especially when it comes to being a mother.
TAKE CARE, positive thoughts only,
Until the next one,
Lauren xo
P.S More info available at nhs.uk - do not self diagnose, even if you have symptoms similar to above, I recommend seeing a GP if you're worried. They will carry out the necessary steps to help you!
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