I also regret to inform you that I also just spent the absolute best part of five minutes rummaging through the small waste bin in my room looking for a Glossier sticker I thought had taken leave from my bedroom wall, floated down the back of my desk and found itself in the debris of the working week. Carefully lifting out discarded micellar water-soaked wool pads, Tesco receipts, clothes tags, used blister plasters (ew) sticky note reminders and crumpled Amazon packaging I believed the sticker to be lost, indefinitely. Now staring at the faint shadow outline of the beauty brand’s trademark logo, I picked at the remnants of blue-tac telling myself that sticker would've probably been worth thousands in 20 years time. No. Millions. As it turns out, I’d moved the sticker several months ago over fears that it would lose its affinity to the wall and slip between the floorboards. It’s still there, don’t worry.
Taking a rather steep change in the course of this post, I wanted to share something: In the summer I went on what I call a dating collision course (all safe) in an attempt to figure out how I go about falling in love. Stupid. Very stupid Lauren. (I'm also fairly certain I've mentioned this before but here we are!) After nearly a dozen dates I felt worse, horrid, just terrible. It was as if I had been putting my self-esteem through some rigorous, extreme pain. I ceremoniously packed in dating apps and decided to focus on myself.
Several days ago I had the extreme misfortune of experiencing something that brought with it a series of strange feelings I thought I'd altogether forgotten. In the past years, I've actively pretended the girl who fell haphazardly in love before wasn't me but someone else, anyone else. I make a point to not to use that love as a template, but I do, sometimes. It's like that inescapable love which was so dreadful I was marred by it, forever destined to wonder what I'd be like should it never have happened, if I'd taken the stairs and not the lift. Hesitated more at the amber light. Turned right instead of left. It was the kind of love that occurs in movies when you're willing the protagonist to start afresh and become a florist on the Isle of Wight and live in a cottage on the edge of a cliff with four windows and a tiny dog.
Lining up my romantic experiences side by side while thinking about my own capacity for connection and love, I analysed all those failed interactions, dead ends, rejections, lost sparks and miss fires to understand this: the love of my life is me and what I need to know is not how to love someone else but how to love me. And so, to my strange, recent encounter (and the one I'd been dreading all along) that I thought would devastate me, rob me of everything, and leave me depleted, I say thank you. Thank you for holding up a mirror to my tremendous growth, perseverance and strength at a time when I probably needed a good kick up the arse.
To the women I have become, who I always was and always will be this is for you. Plus, it's time, it's time to move on. I'm ready to let go.
To bring this all to a close I just wanted to add the following quote (I watched Brené Brown: A Call to Courage on Netflix and I 100& recommend it)
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
All the best, stay safe,
Lauren xo
Did I ever tell you I read an article once which included a segment about how if someone (this piece pertained to guys) has their bed in the middle of their room it means they have their life together and are ready to date? Both parties then have their own 'side' of the bed and you both get your own table too I guess. I brought this memory to the forefront of my mind while talking to my flatmates last night about beds.
I got up momentarily just now to lean against my door frame and reimagine my room. My bed is currently pushed into the corner under the window which I think is quite cosy. However, I'm wondering now if I should move my bed into the middle of my room. What does my room layout say about me?
I don't have a side of the bed in London, I sleep in the middle. It's totally luxurious and I make a little nest using all the pillows. The few (few) times I've had someone over I've end up sleeping against the wall, which I don't like, and I then have to shimmy around them if I need to pee. Anyway, to conclude, don't have people over, ever, and also I'm not ready to sacrifice sleeping in the middle just yet so the bed stays where it is. Glad we could have that chat.
It's been a super super super busy week and I haven't had time to take many pictures. Another seven days down, the clocks have gone back, our pumpkin went rotten and this time next week we'll be in November.
1. Here's me, bright and early on Monday morning pulling a horrendous face that no one needs to see, but our dining table looks nice at least. And so does the eucalyptus I bought last weekend. The pumpkin is reering it's head but it was in it's final few days, I was too keen and bought one too soon. Now we are without a pumpkin this week for when it actually is Halloween.
2. A new girl has moved in with Jules and I and she's great. She's so great she brought with her these two lovely egg cups. I boiled these eggs so hard that the yoke didn't even run. Unforutnaely when I was washing up just now I went to put the egg cups away and dropped one chicken, nearly decapitating it. (The egg cups are chickens)
3. Sums up my day, fairly productive and well intenioned but not quite there.
Other bits:
1. I'm watching a new K-Drama on Netflix called She Was Pretty. It's great.
2. What do we think about the corset trend? I so nearly bought a corset at the weekend but didn't because I wasn't sure I could pull it off. I don't have any boobs either.
3. I had a massage in the middle of a shopping centre at the weekend. It was £1 a minute and I had one for 10 minutes and it changed my life.
(a corset image for context)
Tabs of the week:
Urban Outfitters Corset top. Spot Eraser from Glossier. Zoning out and trauma. ASOS satin bustier top (there's a theme here). This other random corset on ASOS marketplace that I actually quite like. A sequin bustier top from Zara. An image of me and my older brother from 14 years ago. A Barbara Bui cropped tartan overshirt for $1,860 that I stumbled across. A MyProtein gym top. Best star sign for a Pisces female (don't even ask). Sagittarius men (no). A returns barcode for something. Santuario Madonna della Corona (a church).
Quote of the week: “You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” - from none other than Brené Brown.
Okay goodbye, goodnight, stay safe!
Lauren xo
I’ve been trying to figure out how to introduce this week’s Sunday Summary but it’s been a strange 72 hours, to say the least. I’m in the process of boiling some eggs (right now, next to me, in a pan) and I’m making my own chicken ramen for the first time.
London went into a secondary lockdown (pretty much) at midnight on Friday, along with other cities across the UK, as the government introduced new restrictions to help try curve the rising cases of Coronavirus. My anxiety and I have been on a steady incline for several consecutive days since this news also escalated.
Another seven days down of 2020, let’s get into it.
What’s the general consensus on bumping into people a) you haven’t seen for a while and b) weren’t expecting to see. Maybe not even bumping into, maybe just seeing from a distance and being so alarmed you completely forget regular bodily functions, assuming fight or flight immediately. That’s where I'm at after it happened today.
1. Coffee from a walk…
2. …I took myself for an early morning stroll at the beginning of the week. I feel like I’ve been waking up on the wrong side of the bed for days so it was nice to get up, nip out and feel the fresh morning air.
3. Couscous, roasted peppers and harissa in bed
4. In my opinion, Krispy Kreme makes the best doughnuts...maybe ever...
5. Flowers from the market! I loveeeeee Sunday flowers from the market, they make my whole week. When I was putting them in separate vases earlier (one being an old washed out glass coffee pot) I considered what it would be like to be a florist. How does one become a florist?
6. I bought a sweater vest a few months ago and here’s me trying to get some wear out of it. I do really like it though, it’s very warm. Maybe I need a big beige overcoat? I keep seeing people around London wearing them and I have coat envy- of course - it’s that time of year.
Tabs from the week:
Eytys Cypress Tar Jeans (I want these so badly but £190?) Ruby’s Soho. 15 Mistakes you definitely don’t want to make in the gym (I’ll start: don’t snog someone who works there). Kermit the frog at Christmas. NYX Epic Ink Liner (which I bought btw and I’ve already botched the nib). Royal Mail track and trace, again.
A quote from the James Clear newsletter I’m always banging on about: ‘I’d estimate at least half of my frustrations with others are actually frustrations with myself for failing to set clear boundaries and stand by them’.
Until the next one, stay safe,
Lauren xo
I wanted to love these boots, I did. I willed myself for about a week before, first wearing them with my pyjamas, then with leggings (I looked like I was about to go ride a horse) till I finally paired them with some suit trousers I bought from NA-KD. Alas, no luck. Yesterday I carefully boxed them up to take to the post office and send them on their merry way.
Bye,
I'm also wearing:
NA-KD Wide Leg Suit Pants // £40.95
NA-KD Wide Leg Suit Pants // £40.95
Zara Knit Halter Neck Top // £17.99 (LOVE this top)
I'm very much a Dr Martens girl, you know? Stomping around on the rainy streets of London in a long coat and platform shoes. They are my forever boots and trying to make room in my heart for anything else just feels like a betrayal. It's DMs Or I'm in trainers.
Also, can I just share this tip with you real quick? Firstly when I read this I was like ??? I'm sorry what? But hear me out. I've been a proud owner of a pair of platform Dr Martens for almost a year and every time I wear them, every damn time, they wreck my feet. I'm talking blood blisters, sore heels and me rushing to buy those special blasters from the nearest Boots to tape my feet back together. Scrolling through my TikTok FYP the other night I saw someone share a new pair of DMs they'd got and the comments section was filled with recommendations of how to break them in. Someone suggested hitting the heel with a hammer. Another said 'good luck with blisters for the next three years'. But someone else mentioned: 'I've been putting pantyliners in the back of my Boots, and it works'.
While on FaceTime with my friend before I met her for dinner I laughed 'humour me, humour me please, I'm going to put a pad in each of my Dr Martens to stop them rubbing against my heel'. Giggling, I thought: 'no way, no way'. My friend replied 'what on earth?!' But it works, it really works.
Had to share that, wish someone had told me sooner honestly.
Hope everyone is safe and well,
Bye,
Lauren xo
I've spent the last two weekends going back and forth between my favourite (and most trusted) laundry service in all of London where I get my trousers nipped in at the waist. A truly delightful experience, I am happy to make the trek because it means I also get to wander around an area I associate with both going home and studying. I've been able to take the walk I used to when I was at LCF, aimlessly drifting down Oxford Street and feeling the hum of the city that's still there, all at a safe distance of course.
Also another poem from the tube I saw at the weekend which I wanted to share:
Note to self: buy a pumpkin.
Today has been a day of doing things. Just now I prized a block of ice free, with a knife I was intermittently dipping in boiling water, from the back of our fridge where it had accumulated. I've also been to the gym, done spot of painting (for home decorating purposes) cleaned my room, completed an online therapy module and made not one, but two chicken pies. I am unstoppable.
1. The mess created from some pancakes I made earlier in the week. Very good. A success. A triumph.
2. Jules moved her Apple HomePod back into the living room and I don’t think Siri likes me. I actually have her switched off on my Apple products because she annoys me. Maybe it’s a mutual dislike.
3. PADELLA. I'll always be thankful they decided to open a location in Shoreditch. Em and I went for dinner there on Thursday night and had burrata and sourdough to start, she had Tagliarini with dry chilli, garlic and pangrattato for her main and I had the Pappardelle with 8 hours Dexter beef shin ragu. Incredible. We shared a chocolate and salted caramel tart. Plz I love Padella so much.
4. Mannnn these Zara boots. I’m gonna make a proper post about them but they were not for me. I’ve packed them up to be returned tomorrow so fingers crossed they go to a more loving home.
5. Me sitting alone in the window of a Pret reading my book like I’m the main character from a rom-com set in London during winter. A guy in a supercar was supposed to drive past and fall in love with me. He didn't.
6. Just a few touch-ups in one of the bedrooms after a girl moved out this week. Looking so much better!!
Closed Chrome tabs from the week:
How to soft boil an egg (I still fucked it up). What is the spotlight effect? Post Traumatic Growth. London weather. Nike Air Jordan 1. Emotional responsibility. Boots' website. A cropped check overshirt on Zara's website. The paradox of choice | Barry Schwartz TedTalk.
I'm actually really into the whole overshirt vibe at the moment. Maybe I'll get around to purchasing one (only to return it) but they're making me feel really cosy.
A quote for the week? Here's something I saw on Pinterest: 'Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path'.
Hope everyone is safe, well, healthy and wearing their masks!
Goodbye!
Lauren xo
Also another poem from the tube I saw at the weekend which I wanted to share:
It's a bastard because, as I said per my last post, this time of year makes me feel grossly, disgustingly, horribly consumed by nostalgia. Maybe it's the change in seasons or the sudden fluctuation in temperature but there's something about the leaves turning brown that makes me want to drink hot chocolate, cradle my hot water bottle and get lost in a good book. And cry. And stand on the bus listening to Folklore trying to look all mysterious. And buy a pumpkin to then carry home under my arm like I just plucked it from my allotment. And buy winter boots to stomp around in. And wear turtle neck tops. I wore a woolly hat to the park the other day.
Anyway, to ensure my blog doesn't just become a series of weekly Sunday Summaries and nothing else, I've put my heater on for 16 minutes and wrapped myself up in three blankets in order to commit myself to this catch-up. Peace by Taylor Swift is playing and I feel suitably cosy, which is emphasised by the steady downpour outside.
After the mention of rain just now I realised I don't own a waterproof jacket which, as someone living in England, is really stupid. Usually in the winter I can get away with a long coat and a hoodie but as we seem to be stuck in a perpetual downpour I've decided to peruse the available anoraks on offer. If I had the money, I'd get a coat from Rains or Hunter. Something transparent or vaguely see-through to show off my outfit underneath. One year in Edinburgh, where it felt like it rained every single day, I bought a raincoat from ASOS that leaked at the seams and I used to turn up to class with wet shoulders. It's really quite crucial for a coat to not do this, after all, it's supposed to be waterproof. I also think it's important for an anorak to be longer than your bum. Otherwise, the water just runs off the edge too soon which means when you go to sit down your trousers are all soggy.
Earlier, after a slightly tragic morning, I took five minutes to run to the shop and buy some milk for a hot chocolate. (I was after squirty cream too but they were all out). It was really fresh and crisps outside with a sort of spring-like promise in the air, of new possibility and opportunities.
But whatever, it's raining now.
My Zara boots arrived yesterday and so far I've only tried them on with my pyjamas / WFH clothes but here is how I feel: a) sad I can't afford the 'real' ones from Prada b) that my feet look like hooves - if a deer ever looked down at their feet they would see what I see when I wear these boots and c) I'm going to have to wait to get my trousers back from the tailors before I can style them properly. I did, however, get a really cute turtle neck vest from Zara which when paired with a leather jacket looks absolutely fantastic. Don't be put off by the fact that it looks a bit like a jumper you'd put on a dog or a hot water bottle cover. I thought that but it's very nice IRL.
Also before you ask, yes I did watch all of Emily in Paris in one go. How do I feel about it? I'm not sure but I did read Raven Smith's article on Vogue about it: Trés Cliché: Deconstructing the Exquisite Tackiness of Emily in Paris.
Okay byeeeee I'm almost too cosy I'm borderline sweating.
Actually, before I go, this morning I attempted to make porridge. I know I'm on this whole cooking crusade since lockdown but I actually? Fucked up? Making porridge? It was claggy, awful, horrible. Truly inedible. I quickly Googled 'how to make the perfect porridge' and I am none the wiser. More milk, fewer oats.
Okay, goodbye,
Lauren xo
All my fingernails are breaking so I know we’re officially in autumn. I didn’t need the torrential downpour, my freezing bedroom, the Christmas stuff on sale in the shops or the Pumpkin Spice Lattes to remind me. I currently have a hot water bottle on my feet, holy cow it's October, let’s go.
1. One of my three workplaces at home which also includes the living room sofa and the dining room table. I do also feel like I’m finally getting the hang of working from home. Well done me, gold star.
2. Homemade-chocolate-chip-Lauren-started-therapy-again-cookies
3. Squeezing in a few decaf iced lattes before it’s too cold to drink them anymore
4. A sign outside a coffee shop which I don’t understand
5. Omg, I met a friend who I haven’t seen in forever for cocktails in the week. It was such a nice, relaxed evening. I randomly bumped into her in Shoreditch a few weeks ago and it was so so nice to hang out, catch up and chat boys haha.
6. My first Pumpkin Spice Latte (cringe) of the season.
My closed tabs for the week:
A recipe for American pancakes. The difference between a sign and a coincidence (though I’m not sure I believe in coincidences…) La Vie en Rose. Royal Mail track and trace (this was open in three separate tabs). Sneeze Magazine. Zara. Track a parcel with Hermes. A recipe for chocolate chip cookies. An A3 Riso print from Amy Victoria Marsh. How to caramelise bananas. Something about the history of the building I live in. IKEA bed frames.
Other bits:
1. I bought those Zara boots that are a dupe of the Prada ones because I can't afford the Prada ones...yet, I'm manifesting. Review pending.
2. The shitty weather has meant that I've been using the buses more and more in London (apart from earlier when I walked home in the rain after the gym). However on Saturday afternoon I squeezed in a two-mile walk - hence the PSL - got some trousers tailored and went to see if the Christmas lights were being put up in Oxford Circus yet.
3. I can't believe it's October, I still haven't fully processed March. I turned 25 yesterday.
4. All I'm listening to is Sometime Around Midnight by The Airborne Toxic Event. This time of year always makes me disgustingly nostalgic but I'm really working on not romanticising the past anymore. This song makes me feel serious things though.
5. I was just looking through my phone for all the photos for this post and remembered I took a selfie in the gym earlier oh my god. CRINGE. I look really strong though.
A quote before I go? Sure. Theoretical cosmologist Janna Levin on obstacles: "I used to resent obstacles along the path, thinking, 'If only that hadn't happened life would be so good.' Then I suddenly realized, life is the obstacles. There is no underlying path." (Which is from James Clear's weekly newsletter, if you haven't already subscribed????).
Something from me: As you get older I think it's so fundamental to be selective with who you let into your life. I'm on this journey where I'm striving to know myself so well that I won't accept anything less than what I deserve. I'm not half a person walking around looking for a guy that's going to complete me. I don't lack anything. I am whole on my own. I am enough on my own.
Okay bye, I'm going to go eat a microwave Sticky Toffee Pudding I bought from Tesco.
Lauren xo
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