The person next to me on the train yesterday changed where he was sat twice before decanting his belongings on the small table in front of him and sitting down to enjoy a Pret sandwich. With his mask around his chin, I kept my own mouth and nose covered until my stop appeared from the expanses of green fields that surround London. Its been a while since I've been home home, understandably, and it felt strange to be back on a train I used to catch twice a day, five days a week. I chose the carriage labelled 'Quiet Zone' (no talking, no phone calls, no loud music) but it was very, verrryyy quiet. Free from the usual bustle of commuters that seemed to occupy those particular trains all hours of the day, I wonder if people miss the to and fro of coming into the city?
I did a mad hunt for podcasts prior to my journey because I wanted to listen to other people talk for a bit. (Emily tells me I should get a radio, maybe I'll invest). I stumbled across The Guilty Feminist before my bus tour across London while refusing to take the tube (this turned a half-hour trip into a 60 minute two bus marathon). I ended up missing where I was supposed to alight and I didn't catch the train I wanted to. Podcast was good though.
Once back home home I felt an immense sense of relief to be looking at a different view, as if the past five months have simultaneously compacted and loosened me up. (I have become both concrete and flubber). London, despite the lockdown, has been incredibly demanding, busy, overwhelming and stressful. I love it, of course, I love London with every shred of me, but I cannot convey how good it feels to be out, even if for a short while. After dinner, my parents took me out on their usual evening walk around the village and I got to thinking.
I am in this current mindset I can't shake which involves: Lockdown induced anxiety fuelled by perpetual fear of imminent death and/or feelings of helplessness at the general state of the world. Other symptoms include (but not always) bouts of self-doubt, panic and uncertainty, excessive nosebleeds as at very inconvenient moments and a decrease in self-confidence and self-worth.
Then I realised this:
Remedy: Administer one, slow evening countryside walk (if you're able to) on a mild summer evening, just as the sun is setting, to allow time for proper life contemplation. Look at nature, look at the sky, take a deep breath, look at the foal in the field with its mother. Remember when things didn’t feel so difficult and imagine what it would be like to ride a bike down that big hill again. Acknowledge where you’re at. Consider the benefit of talking to a therapist again. Look at the sun setting. Look at people's nicely decorated gardens.
Repeat if necessary.
To take in addition: A stroll through the wheat fields that grow behind the village church just like you're on your way to meet Mr Darcy in the early hours of the morning after his horrible aunt has given you an unnecessary bollocking. "How can I ever make amends for such behaviour?" Say hello to the guy walking his dog and talking loudly on the phone and thank God (I'm not religious) that your parents are your parents.
As I write this I’m lounging on a chair in the garden looking at a spotless blue sky listening to my neighbour having a zoom call through the fence. (Not intentional, his voice just carries). He sounds like he could be a radio presenter, or do the voice for Bob the Builder on the telly. I have a book in my lap and sunglasses to keep my hair out my face and I feel so relieved.
Lauren xo
I just Googled ‘chocolate cornflake cakes recipe’ which I feel was a waste of 0.57 seconds of my life because I know they’re only melted chocolate and cornflakes, right? Aha, wrong, turns out you actually have to add butter and golden syrup too…
Another weird week in my life, let's go.
1. Drinks in the park with my flatmates.
2. Me legging it up the stairs with a Wagamama Deliveroo order I got because I was hungover after drinks in the park. I ate this while watching Ted Talks and feeling sorry for myself.
3. Lemonade and Iced Matcha catch up with a friend (again... this lemonade? It's not good, it's so tart it makes my teeth hurt, why do I keep drinking it?)
4. A new book. I'm 26 pages in so there's not much to say right now. I finished It's Kind of a Funny Story in the week and cried so here's a quote from a page I earmarked. I watched the film as well which has the song It's Alright by Black Sabbath in it. I recommend lying down and listening to that.
5. Buffalo chicken tacos and pinto beans? 10/10
6. Anyone else take photos of their plugs to make sure they're switched off before they leave their house or is that just me?
A parting quote before I go and microwave some pasta? Sure.
"Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?" - Charles Bukowski.
Please can we also talk about exile (featuring Bon Iver) from Taylor Swift's new album???? Amazing, I can't get enough of that song. "SO step right out! There is no amount! of cryyyyyyyyying I can do forrr you".
Until the next one,
Lauren x
I ate Weetabix with a dash (it really was a thimble) of milk last night for dinner while I contemplated if I had heatstroke or not. (Conclusion? I didn’t and still don’t.) Prior to this, I ate two chicken strips with a side of mayonnaise as I tried to finish a London Underground puzzle kindly gifted to me by my older brother. A 1000 piece overview of our capital’s transport system, I decided to tell Jules (she wasn’t listening, I was just talking at her) about all the different stations I’ve visited while the jigsaw was beginning to take shape.
“I’m just wondering.. did you have coffee today!?” Jules asked.
“...Yes! But you know I never drink caffeine!”
(I had, in fact, been drinking caffeine that morning)
Reminiscing about how tube travel used to be a nonchalant thing, I begin my narration to Jules about when I went to East Finchley with a photographer friend to take images for a university project way back when. Then I went to Pontoon Dock (?! This was an in the moment idea). I also went to Acton once to speak to someone about trains (this was a different day) and the furthest I’ve been on the Central Line is Stratford (Eastbound) and Shepherds Bush (Westbound). I went to view a room in Colliers Wood (almost at the end of the Northern Line going South) a few years ago and it was very, very, very small. Anyway, I was enthusiastically walking down memory lane when I turned to Jules (she had to pause her game to listen to me ramble) and said: “don’t you think it’s weird how we used to get on the tube and go anywhere, like, anywhere, and now we won’t do that for ages?”
I found myself in a card shop a few days ago, pumping sanitiser into my hand while using the contactless payment cube from halfway across the store so as to not be too close to the cashier, when the lady behind the till told me its been ‘mayhem’ and a couple of hours into her shift she just ‘forgets’ what’s going on and ‘it’s very hard’ and ‘weird’. I nodded my head in agreement and so did the other customer (only three in the shop at once, does this include the store owner?) as we did that awkward British thing of making excruciatingly polite conversation when we just want to leave.
Once back outside I got to thinking: my busy little life slowed to a halt five months ago and in that time I’ve provided barely any headspace for the question of what lies ahead in the great unknown. Walking along the streets I pass pubs with signs reminding me that they sell eggs and bread (as well as pints), I pass stickers on the floor for social distancing prompts and I see placards in the park to reiterate the two-meter rule. I then feel strangely panicked about how this all became so normal.
I’ve had numerous conversations with different people over the past months who’ve all told me, vehemently, that they won’t be using the tube for a considerable amount of time. No public transport at all, it’s off the cards. Done. Fin. Over. Find another way. Bike or on foot or I don’t know what else, electric scooter? Car?
I'll admit I've used the DLR once (which I've been informed is different from taking the tube) and I've been steadily increasing the number of times I use the bus, refamiliarising myself with the capital's incredible transport system. There's been hand sanitiser at each station, and generally speaking, people abide by the face mask rules. But it doesn't feel the same, and I don't think it ever will. I'm very anxious all the time and, when I do use public transport, I want to go home and sterilise my clothes before taking a hot bath in Detoll (don't do this).
Looking at this London Underground jigsaw now does make me feel sad though. Maybe it’s because I started off with putting together the pieces that were most familiar to me: my usual route home, or because there’s so much of the capital left to explore that I now worry I’ll never have time to?
JUST A THOUGHT AS WE TRY AND NAVIGATE THESE DIFFICULT TIMES TOGETHER AND THEY START OPENING UP LONDON AGAIN.
Take care, wear your mask, wash your hands, goodbye,
Lauren x
Regular Hinoki Wood Candle // £4.95
Large Hinoki Wood Candle // £7.95
Have you ever come across a candle so perfect that you never need to buy another one in a different scent ever again? Literally, never again.
As described on the Muji website:
"Hinoki is considered a sacred wood in Japan and has been used for many centuries. The aroma is fresh like that of the moss and trees; with fresh lemon-like notes”.
The first time I bought a Muji Hinoki Wood Tin Candle was at Christmas last year when I was shopping in London. Ending up at the Covent Garden branch (not where you want to be in December but Emily wanted to buy some gloves) I noticed they had a deal on candles so I bought two, Sea Salt and Hinoki Wood, after working my way along the stack of other wax-based scents that didn’t make the cut.
(The Sea Salt candle I burned through but never stuck with as it sort of smelt like the ocean and sort of smelt like an aftershave belonging to a guy who’s going to break your heart after 'dating' you on and off for a year without ever actually calling you his girlfriend).
Purchase number two was made in-store on Carnaby Street either before or after getting a slice of pizza from Whole Foods in Piccadilly Circus for dinner. I then sat through Uncut Gems at the cinema with the candle poking out my tiny bag because it didn’t fit properly.
The third and most recent Hinoki Wood addition was a gift for my 25th Birthday way back in March. (People know me well).
Now that candle is all burned through but it's at to the point where there is still wax but the wick won’t light anymore. I placed an order today for not one, but two LARGE Hinoki Wood candles from Muji. I didn’t even know that the candles were available in two different sizes so that’s an added bonus. Week = made.
UPDATE:
This post has been sitting in my drafts for a while but just wanted to add that I have the candles and my room smells heavenly.
Lauren x
ANOTHER WEEK DONE, let's get into it.
Not photographed:
Halfway through the last seven days my phone actually got stuck during an update and I had to restore it from a backup I did in June so I lost all my photos from Wednesday backwards. I mean I'm not really doing anything at the moment, but still.
ANYWAY
1. This is a large 99 flake from the ice cream van in my nearby park.
2. Probably crying over another failed cooking attempt.
3. Victoria Park in all its glory.
4. What? In the park again?! I thought I could handle caffeinated coffee if it was before midday, turns out I was wrong and I'm back on the decaf.
5. I made a chocolate fudge cake yesterday and it tastes great. The dark chocolate ganache isn't very nice but I think my palette isn't evolved enough yet to enjoy the complex flavours. Here is the recipe.
Not photographed:
1. This Nowness video on romantic advice from French philosopher Alain Badiou
2. I GRADUATED FROM MY MASTERS A YEAR AGO ON THE 17th OF JULY! It was a truly incredible day and a testament to everything I'm capable of achieving. I nearly cried during my graduation ceremony because I was so emotional.
3. My friend put me onto the YouTuber Bailey Sarian who hosts this Murder Mystery makeup video every Monday. She does her face in each episode while talking about a famous serial killer or cult. Her videos are great and I highly recommend them (if you're into that kind of thing).
4. I finally finished my Birth of Venus jigsaw puzzle, it took me fucking forever.
5. I've started watching It's Okay to Not Be Okay on Netflix and it's so good.
And that's it - what am I listening to right now? A lot of Pheobe Bridgers, specifically Graceland Too. I'm probably going to play that song so much I'll end up hating it. Or it'll become the soundtrack to my lockdown.
Hope everyone had a swell week, I'm having a nosebleed again.
BYE,
Lauren xo
I’ve just got in from a date and I’m eating Dhal in my room thinking about how I've just spent the past five hours. Lockdown has presented its difficulties to me in many ways, but my reclusive, reserved, more private side has revelled in the diminished amount of human contact we’re all now living with.
Dating is and always will be a minefield in my eyes. I've read books on how strong women should be. I've listened to podcasts, I've looked up articles and I've watched Ted Talks on vulnerability (this one is actually pretty good). I often envision myself as this super powerful, independent and nonchalant women and I attempt to embody her every day, suppressing my anxious, stressed or scared qualities in the hope that a better, well rounded me is what the world will be presented with.
Today, in a groundbreaking revelation, I was going to learn that I can be simultaneously strong and vulnerable. One does not cancel out the other.
Yes, really.
I’ve struggled with anxiety for a long time now but it peaked, as it is well documented on here, during my studies in Edinburgh. Back then you could scrape my self-worth and general mental health off the bottom of a heavy-duty boot with a stick before flicking it into a nearby bin. I spent the years after I finished my degree rebuilding who I was, steadily crafting a better and stronger version. It's something I'm still working on to this day.
I used to believe if you tell yourself something enough times it will become true. Pushing against my own anxiety, fear of failure, fear of public vomiting, fear of embarrassment and general fear of life took all the power I had within me to control. I’d be exhausted after a wave of nerves, listening to an endless stream of podcasts to try and distract my mind from racing. It was debilitating. It fucking sucked.
Then some stuff happened. I took a lot of big jumps. I did a lot of brave things. I forced my anxiety way down and started to separate it from other things that sparked the same emotion. I realised that when something is important it’s natural to be nervous, the wires just get crossed sometimes, that happens. I wasn't panicking, I was excited. Or I wasn't panicking, I was hungry.
Anyway, back to this date. There I was dressed like a tennis player (don’t ask, the outfit just happened to turn out that way) immensely enjoying myself when I suddenly got this overriding feeling in my stomach. Like someone was stomping in a puddle, except it wasn’t a puddle, it was my stomach acid. Then it disappeared. Then it came back. Then it was upside down. Then I was lying down. Then my stomach acid got pushed up my throat and I thought it was trying to come out to say hello to everyone. Then my date suggested getting food and I thought I was going to see my lunch dripping through the grates in the road as we sat outside a restaurant waiting for some takeaway dumplings. I was staring at a hub cap belonging to a car parked across the street while he was telling me a story I couldn't follow because I couldn't hear anything he was saying; I was too busy focusing on trying to regulate my breathing. I could smell food but we might as well have been sat in a rubbish tip as the aroma coming from the kitchen was rotting my brain. I responded intermittently with ‘hmmmm' and ‘yes' and ‘yeah' (which was about all I could manage) as my mind did summersaults.
Then I did the most miraculous thing. I told the guy. I turned to him as he offered to save some dumplings for me, which I was vehemently refusing, and I explained what was going on. Horrified by my own admission, I apologised and continued to repeatedly say sorry as I gripped my knees, feeling the sweat pour from my hands. To my complete surprise, he was totally calm. He got me to sit with my back straight and my shoulders relaxed (we were still outside this restaurant by the way) as he asked me questions and tried to help steady my breathing. He sat with me until I was feeling better and took me through some meditation exercises. People were walking past and all I could think was ‘fuck this is so embarrassing’ but he just carried on. It didn’t matter. My meltdown, me feeling so helplessly and utterly vulnerable. It didn’t matter.
We walked to the nearby park and my legs moved like Bambi on ice. I felt as if I was just seeing light for the first time after a period without it, as my stomach acid stopped churning like a slushy machine and my heart-rate resumed to a normal rhythm. The date, to my surprise and joy, carried on for some time after that. We even ended up lying in a park looking at the sky wondering how high a bird could feasibly go.
Once home (fed and watered) what I came away with was this: it’s okay, all of it. Life. Who we are. Who I am. Who you are. Show up, be a mess, be yourself. Life can be unbearably difficult but it's also beautiful in so many ways. Nobody is perfect anyway, it's all a myth and as I learned it's a pointless exercise to be anything but yourself. You're doing great.
(I’ve neglected to mention that I ended up with grass stains on my elbows and bird poo on my arm. I was wearing a cream knit jumper and I had to scrape the shit off with a Sainsbury's receipt I found at the bottom of my bag)
(I think that’s supposed to be good luck but it didn’t feel it)
(Actually, by the end of the date it kind of did feel like good luck)
(Also Mr Date Man if you ever read this, hi, thank you)
Bye for now,
Lauren xo
This week has been eventful in many different ways so I'm sorry that I haven't posted as much as I intended. Isn't it miraculous how one single moment can make you feel ten feet tall and two feet tall at the same time? Hmmmmm
1. Wraps in the park with my brother! The weather kinda sucked that day but it stayed nice enough for us to sit out
2. Me eating dhal in my room (I use this recipe) by myself. The sweet potatoes were to go ontop but they ended up being too hot to touch in the moment so I just ate them on the side. I haven't put anything on the wall past my mirror but looking at the photo presents me with a strange void that I want to fill.
3. When I asked in the cafe what the lemonade was (given the option of still or sparkling) it turns out it was just a case of whether they added fizzy water. Cool photo though, right?
4. Em and I went to Franco Manca which was a totally bizarre experience. There were screens up to separate the tables and only the back of the restaurant was open. I still find myself acknowledging how surreal all of this is just when I almost forget how everything has changed.
5. A new book I've started - It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini. I'm not sure if the film that's based on the novel has great reviews but I really liked it so wanted to give the book a whirl. I think it's super, super, superrrrrr vital that we educate ourselves on the importance of mental health and this book has been such an eye-opener so far. Review pending.
NOT PICTURED
1. I started a new Birth of Venus jigsaw puzzle and the pieces are all smart lasered (help me) which means they aren't square. They're squiggly. I even put Notting Hill on the other night to be the background of my jigsaw assembly and I still got nothing done.
2. I booked a hair appointment for next month. Wild.
3. I went to the park today and sat on a bench reading my book. A kid walked past and high-fived my foot and I completely forgot about it till just now. Why. His parents did apologise at least.
4. I'm in my Phoebe Bridgers phase of lockdown now.
5. I preordered this tennis skirt from AYM which is so cute.
6. I've been listening to Broke Girl Therapy on Spotify which is this hilariously honest playlist hosted by Stefanie Maegan. It's about dating, sex and all that good stuff.
Quote of the week: "Remember how long you’ve been putting this off, how many extensions the gods gave you, and you didn’t use them." - Marcus Aurelius
Until next time,
Byeeeeeeeeeeee
Lauren xo
I just looked in the bathroom mirror and realised that my hair is getting super long. While sat on the toilet I counted on my left hand that its been five months since I had my locks chopped into the perfect bob (I’m excluding the recent attempts I’ve made FYI) which would make now the usual time for a snip.
Except these aren't usual times, are they?
Last weekend, hairdressers reopened across London and people flocked to get their unkempt lockdown tresses tended to. Naturally, I went straight to my salon’s website for an update and saw that they too have rebooted operations under strict COVID 19 safety measures, understandably. Weighing up whether or not I need a haircut, I’ve routinely surveyed their page for the past week, reading the same coronavirus announcement, again and again. As with any decision I make, this situation also involved an external (plus internal) canvass period, questioning friends and family about whether it was necessary, or overdue, or if it could wait, or if it was a good idea that would make me feel much better.
I thought I’d take you through the thought process with me and maybe at the end of this post, I’ll have reached a conclusion about if I should go get my hair sorted out.
NO HAIRCUT
1. I have to say that my hair is in really good condition and she's got more of her natural wave back. Nowhere near the ringlets I had as a child but also not GHD pin straight (with one curl at the back I couldn't reach) like it was when I was 21. A good medium.
2. I really like my DIY fringe, and as someone who has never ever cut their own hair before, I’m giving myself a metaphorical pat on the back right now.
3. It’s not too short and it's not too long. If I get it cut I’d take it back to being a bob which would look INCREDIBLE after a blow dry and then a disaster when I tried to style it myself later on. Wait...is this a for or against point?
4. How do I feel about getting my haircut right now????
5. My hair always looks great the day I decide to go in for the chop.
6. I can get my hair almost in a bun on my head (a really important point).
YES HAIRCUT
1. My hair is actually just that bit too long.
2. I’d like a proper fringe.
3. I'd like a blow-dry.
4. Does anyone else feel that getting their haircut is a total treat? It's just such a nice, self-indulgent way to spend an hour in the morning or the afternoon. Maybe get a hot chocolate before, then you get your hair washed, possibly a head massage, and afterwards you leave feeling transformed and fabulous? Obviously, things are a little different now, but still.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Okay, I think I'm going to book a hair appointment.
Ciao,
Lauren x
Ages and ages ago I used to do a Sunday summary of my week but gave up when I didn’t want to document my life that way anymore. I just had a look over some of the older posts and discovered I started recording my weeks during my final semester at Edinburgh (lol) in 2017 and kept it going until right before my interview at LCF. The months prior to that moment were pretty rough (to say the least) and it’s quite painful revisiting those memories. I’m so, so, soooooo proud of the progress I’ve made and it’s honestly crazy to think that as soon as I got accepted into LCF, my entire life changed.
ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE SOME PERSPECTIVE.
Now I'm back with a fresh update on what I've been up to these past seven days.
1. I cut my own hair again but it's not even or straight. I want to go full block fringe like Marianne in Normal People (I haven't finished this don't tell me what happens) but I’ve watched too many videos of it going wrong so I can’t. (I cleaned the bathroom mirror after this).
2. This is a lemon cheesecake I made with a very crumbly biscuit base. I’ve used the same recipe twice now and this always happens, maybe I’m not using enough butter? Maybe I don’t let it set for long enough? Maybe it’s the fridge?
3. This is the view of Canary Wharf from Greenwich where I went the other day.
4. I eat cereal in bed most mornings and this week I had some leftover Weetabix to finish, lucky me. I personally rate Weetabix maybe a 5/10 if I’m being generous but it reminds me of my childhood so I eat it for that reason.
5. This was a decaf iced latte pint I had the other day from a cafe down the road from me and I was surprised they gave me so much coffee??? (It wasn’t really a pint of course, but look at it)
6. My friend Emily in the park. We walked seven miles that day and I had this amazing falafel wrap from Broadway Market.
7. I’ve started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer because it’s on Amazon Prime. I’m still only on season one and it’s very this-is-a-90s-sitcom, you know? Then I was watching it the other night and it actually creeped me out a little so I turned it off. (This is a vampire btw).
8. The August issue of British Vogue came in the post a few days ago and this is me reading it in bed with the spine bent back, which in my opinion, makes the magazine easier to hold.
9. Jules and I just had McDonald's for dinner, why can't I get a chicken legend on Uber Eats?
10. I recommend following @the_midnight_club on Instagram who've been putting out great content throughout lockdown. I bought the Together We Move zine which you can purchase here and 100% of the proceeds will be donated to the Stephen Lawrence Charitable Trust.
Hope you all had an excellent week,
Buh-bye,
Lauren x
I was talking to my friend on FaceTime earlier when I randomly added to the conversation that I had recently followed someone on TikTok (@djlemay2) whose job it is to create ice cream cakes. I don’t even know if I’ve ever had an ice cream cake - does an arctic roll count? I somehow feel that it doesn’t?
Oh wait I Googled it and it does.
Anyway, I rate artic roll’s pretty high on the taste scale (at least a seven) but I have to be in a very specific mood to eat them. In terms of chilled cakes beyond that, I haven't tried any but I can imagine that they’re also pretty good. Off the back of this fascination, I discovered a few accounts across Instagram that I wanted to share with you now. I feel like there’s a trend for retro, vintage, frilly (I don’t know another adjective to use) cakes going around at the minute, or maybe that’s the content I’m being pushed on my phone because I keep looking at it BUT the cakes are amazing! I love them! I think they border somewhere on being a bit tacky? or OTT? but then I just think they look so fantastic so I’m going to talk about them.
In at number one we have The Benny Cake Shop (my personal fave) who I am subscribed to on YouTube. (Oh my god they just uploaded a new video I have to watch it immediately). Their cakes are so adorable, and a little scary but in a good way? You would maybe find their creations in a haunted bakery but also in a Disney movie? I love them! Do I? Yes.
Number two is April’s Baker (these cakes all follow the same theme btw) whose Instagram bio says: ‘making the cakes of your pastel dreams’ - I thought it said personal dreams at first and in my mind I was like YES I AGREE. Their cakes are beautiful and I want them to design something for my hypothetical wedding to my hypothetical husband.
(The first cake image in this post is also from April's Baker, how amazing??)
In third place, we have Coven Bakery whose cakes look like the kind of thing I would eat if I ever went on a super extravagant picnic with cucumber sandwiches and mini parasols. I just love the detailing, what style of cake decorating is this? Princess icing. Who knows? I’m obsessed.
That's it for today - I just had an iced latte and I feel like my whole body is vibrating.
Lauren xo
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