A few days ago (I may or may not be resurrecting this post from my drafts. If I am, dear, sweet, future Lauren please do not let this world twist you into something bitter because of what’s happened) I had my phone stolen from my hands as I was crossing a narrow road in Shoreditch. It’s somewhere I’ve walked countless times, so this felt like a strange, annoying personal violation of my space. There was nothing more bizarre than watching my phone, my memories, my conversations and my photos slide into the pocket of a stranger as he cycled away from me.
That moment was then immediately followed by a shockwave of disbelief, an exhausting panic attack, a shouting match with an EE customer service representative (because I couldn’t remember a memorable date - I still can't, I'm sorry) and an emotional bus ride home (tears absorbed into my face mask, of course, let’s not forget we’re in the middle of a global pandemic still). I then burst through our front door in bits, cried to Jules, cried to another employee of EE down the phone for an hour (Connor if you’re reading this, you’re a saint, and I did get a takeaway and a cup of tea and you made my day one million times better), followed by a brief conversation with the police. Then, after all that, I finally sobbed to my parents on FaceTime as I held my flatmate's phone at a wobbly angle in my shakey hands. This didn’t help; I was wearing orange and I’m ugly when I cry.
I’m trying to be as light-hearted and as humorous about this as I can (to make myself feel slightly better, laughter is the best medicine, right?) but this experience, for me, in my life, is just another interaction to chuck on the ever-growing pile of things that leave me feeling frustrated, angry and let down. During my bus ride home I became agitated about everything: at how people have treated me, at family members who’ve passed away, at how they passed away, at how I’ve been mistreated by ex-partners, at how I’ve been mistreated by other people and at just the general state of the world. It was as if all the horrific interactions I’ve ever had were fusing together to grate on me harder than they have for a really long time. (In this scenario I am a block of cheddar and life is this rusty, out of shape £1 cheese grater with a broken handle).
Someone told me once that the world would come around and get me like I was on a collision course for failure because he felt that that was what I owed. On my bad days, like this one, I almost believe that the most toxic words ever said to me are true. I’ve had two very, very, verrryyyy unpleasant experiences happen in quick succession that I now chalk every moment in my life up to, good or bad. This probably isn’t the best way to live but it helps me gain perspective on challenging situations so I can remember that each time I’m scared, angry, lonely, afraid, upset or hurt that nothing lasts forever, literally nothing. The sun will always rise and time marches on.
~
Now that I’ve calmed down, I’m not sure I even feel sad anymore. I just know that I’ve had days worse than this. Much worse. I feel a pang of empathy for the person who stole my phone and wonder what his life must be like for him to be riding around London taking things that don’t belong to him. It’s a strange world we live in that perplexes, confuses and terrifies me every day, multiple times a day. I always strive to be kind and understanding in any way I can; I never want to be sharp or cold or walk around with a chip on my shoulder that makes me lash out at other people. However, some days, some fucking days, I hurt so astronomically that I question: why be polite, nice or considerate when no one else is? How far has being nice and respectful got me anyway if I'm just cheddar in a cheese grater?
THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN SOMEONE HAS JUST NICKED YOUR PHONE:
1. Call your phone provider and change all your passwords on everything. Log out of what you can remotely. Turn off Apple Pay.
2. Crying in public is cathartic because it reinforces how little anyone around you is bothered by your existence.
3. If you are unscathed and unharmed this is a moment to rejoice. They took your phone, a replaceable item. You have your life. You can go home, wake up tomorrow morning and try again at everything.
4. Call the police and file a report (this will help with insurance)
5. Have a hot shower and put your clothes in the wash.
6. A bad day does not equal a bad life!!!!
7. A person's actions towards you, especially when someone has just robbed you, are not personal, or a reflection of who you are, or about a fault you have or about luck or anything else. Some people just fucking suck.
8. Hating yourself/blaming yourself won't undo what has been done.
9. This is a scenario that Pret hot chocolate won't fix, McDonald’s chicken selects will mildly help you though.
10. You're never going to see that phone again unless some idiot tries to sell it back to you.
11. Those closest to you are an absolute godsend at a time like this (and I just want to say a special thank you to Emily, Jules, Daniel, Lu and Giorgia - and of course my family). The people you surround yourself with are a testament to your character. You are loved, cared for and supported.
These are abnormal, trying and difficult times to navigate, be gentle with yourself.
Lauren x
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