I cried so hard at an episode of The Walking Dead the other night that I started to have a nosebleed. Sat on our cream sofa dressed in all white, what I thought was just a main character death fuelled breakdown was, in fact, an overheated outpouring of pent up emotion, with a side serving of nasal bleeding. Shuffling around with a fresh stain on my shirt, Jules disappeared to get her Vanish spray as I continued to cry while failing to break off a piece of leftover Dairy Milk bar that was too cold from the fridge.
I definitely had it in me to cry harder, knowing that my tears were caused 30% by what I was watching, 5% by the timing of my hormones, 2% because of the pizza I tried to make from scratch three times and 63% by my deep-rooted and unmanaged psychological pain that I express on rare, special occasions much to my own embarrassment and awkward shock of the people around me. With snot also running down my face (what? I'm an ugly crier), the scene changed and I was able to collect myself just in time before agreeing to another episode.
Later in the evening, and tired from my outburst, I left the washing machine to run so I could ensure the stain would come out of my t-shirt (top tip: don’t run the washing machine at midnight in a block of flats). Lying down to stare at the ceiling I started to feel bad (and stupid) that I had cried so much at a fictional character’s death. My knee-jerk reaction was to apologise to Jules immediately “I’m sorry, this rarely happens, this is why I shouldn’t drink, I’m really sorry, God this is so embarrassing, don’t look at me” as I stuffed more tissue up my nose to stop the bleeding. In recent years I have banished myself to the land of 'no crying unless absolutely necessary', choosing to leave my exile and express emotion to the unfortunate group of people closest to me (both in proximity and relation). It makes me feel excruciatingly vulnerable and I hate it, I really, really hate it; sometimes I can go weeks or months without even shedding a single tear.
Sporadic occasions I have cried and regretted it:
1. I was having a difficult conversation while sat outside with someone and a stranger walked over to tell me they liked my top, asking where I’d bought it from and if it was even a top or just a very short dress.
2. I shut myself in a room (it had glass walls so it wasn’t a good idea) at work and I started to cry (I knew it was coming so I took myself away) and someone came into the room to the repair the door lock.
3. On a train reading an emotional chapter of a book (I regret every single time I’ve cried on public transport because if people do notice, they only look at you in total horror)
4. Walking through Oxford Circus listening to I’ll Be Seeing you by Jimmy Durante (this was a bad day).
Anyway, so there I was wailing on the sofa having a nosebleed as I tried to expunge my store of February, March and April tears into yet another pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream when I realised I was hurting. I was hurting badly. I know I apologised profusely to my flatmate and later regretted even crying in the first place, but when I was later lying in bed I was trying to work out why I felt so ashamed, or so bad. What was the takeaway? What was I doing? Why was I bothered? Who even am I? What do I do with the pain? Why is it so bad to cry? Truthfully, my tears stem from a place of ~intense~ grief, both from physical and metaphorical loss (if that makes sense) that I'll never be able to fix or remedy. Sometimes the combination of an emotional TV show, that time of the month and painful memories blend together in perfect destructive harmony and I have no choice but to cry.
As it cannot be helped I'm going to provide you with some tried and proven tips that I hope come in handy if you ever find yourself crying in public:
1. Try and cry near people you like because then you won't feel so bad afterwards. For some reason crying around people you don't like makes it worse? Does it? It does.
2. See if you can let it go in one giant dry heave instead of several sobs that might ruin your make up.
3. If you don't want to say why you're really crying, lie. What do you owe people? Nothing.
4. Buy a hot chocolate from Pret (or your nearest favourite coffee shop) immediately afterwards.
5. Buy yourself something nice if it has been a big cry
6. Drink some water to replenish what was lost
7. Call your parents
8. If somebody has made you cry, never ever speak to them again, unless it was happy tears.
9. If you're on public transport a) pretend it's hayfever/a light allergy b) look out the window until you reach your stop and don't make eye contact with anyone
10. Remember it feels good to cry! For a short time - then you'll feel horribly embarrassed as your damp tears steep you in regret and everything feels worse again.
What a ride! Until the next one!
Lauren x
Post a Comment